Frustration Tolerance

Frustration tolerance is a notable challenge for people with ADHD and neurodivergent brains. Our capacity for handling frustration is often limited due to emotional dysregulation and impulsivity, among other factors. Frustration serves as a trigger for an emotional response, sometimes leading to reactions that are disproportionate to the situation. We tend to become frustrated swiftly, entering an intense emotional state. Here’s how it typically unfolds in our home:

Finn is working on his spelling homework, which is difficult for him. We reach the word “drag,” and he writes j-r-a-g on his whiteboard. I prefer to avoid negative language when discussing learning with him. With Dyslexia and ADHD, he can easily become discouraged about his academic abilities. I said, “Oh, so close! Can I show you something?” But that was enough. He had already exerted significant effort on the previous words and was not receptive. He began to yell about the word’s pronunciation, threw his marker across the kitchen, insisted he was right, and I was wrong. He stood up, threw down his whiteboard, stomped his feet, and clenched his fists. I realized I had lost him. Continuing with his homework was not an option, but I wasn’t upset with him.

Finn needed calm to regain composure. I remained seated, kept my voice calm and quiet, and acknowledged his feelings. “Wow, I see you’re having really big feelings about this spelling word. I see that it’s really hard and that you’re working with all your might to learn it. I hear you saying it sounds like it starts with a /j/ sound. Let’s see what you need to calm down. We can come back to your homework in a bit.” He didn’t calm down immediately. He was still angry. We breathed together, put up 7 fingers (because he is 7), and took deep breaths to blow out each birthday candle. I asked if he wanted a hug, and he declined. He asked if he could use the sensory swing. I set a 5-minute visual timer and told him we would discuss his spelling words afterward.

When he returned, he was calm and ready to learn. He still wanted to assert that the word has the /j/ sound at the beginning. I helped him listen to the /d//r/ blend and then the /j/ sound. I also demonstrated the /t//r/ blend and the /ch/ sound, highlighting their similarities. We brainstormed words with similar sounds and made a list. He then rewrote the word correctly, and we continued with his homework.

Was this process quick? No. Did it work? Yes. Did he pass his spelling test? While less important to me, the answer is yes. He feels secure at home to express his emotions, knowing his parents will remain calm and guide him through it. Do I enjoy these moments? Not particularly. But I understand them. I recognize it’s not about me; it’s about the immense mental effort he exerts daily just to function. When additional challenges arise, sometimes there’s no room left to contain more frustration.

Frustration tolerance is like a muscle that requires exercise and practice in a controlled manner. It should be acknowledged and discussed to foster growth. Practice recognizing when you’re getting frustrated, pause, center yourself, and then proceed.